Judge Judith Scheindlin (and her respective syndicated shows) is an icon, a part of the culture reference pantheon. In book 3 of my series, Broken Benevolence, main character Oscar Brooks watches a lot of syndicated TV…

In my writing downtime, I’ve watched years’ worth of Judge Judy / Judy Justice. I’ve noted several takeaways to prepare for her show or any small claims court judge. If you’re a pending litigant of a Judge Judy show, here’s a primer. An S.F. side note going left-field for the heck of it, time for a little Sans Serif fun, guys.

25 Dos and Don’ts as Litigants on a Judge Judy (“JJ”) show

1. If Judge Judy is talking, shut up.
2. Don’t say “basically,” “like,” “okay so,” “ya know,” etc. These filler words annoy her.
3. Don’t say what anyone who is not present in court said.
4. Don’t bring notarized letters, except from someone in the military or seriously/critical in the hospital.
5. If it sounds like you’re winning, shut up.
6. If your case involves assault, have a police report.
7. Don’t sleep with the man/woman after you’ve claimed they owed you money. It’s considered a debt forgiven.
8. Do have any contracts signed by both. Any changes must be written on the contract and initialed by all concerned parties.
9. Don’t shout out or interrupt the other litigant. If she isn’t looking at you, she isn’t speaking to you; shut up.
10. Don’t speak directly to the opposing litigant.
11. Don’t approach the bench—do give requested evidence to her bailiff.
12. Do have before and after pictures regarding property rental disputes.
13. Do remember what you submitted as your claim. She’ll call you on it if you don’t.
14. If your case involves default on a lease, show that you’ve tried to mitigate the damage (find a replacement).
15. Don’t wear flip-flops, shorts, revealing tops.
16. Do speak clearly and slowly.
17. Don’t talk while she’s going over or reviewing your evidence (she isn’t looking at you, see #9).
18. If you claim you’ve paid it (rent/debt), do have a receipt/proof, preferably in the form of a cancelled check—she likes proof with checks. She’s very old-school and isn’t a big fan of “cash” exchanges. Nor does she consider self-tracking on a calendar or spreadsheet valid.
19. Don’t use the “lost phone” excuse. Bottom line: you don’t have the text/pic evidence.
20. Don’t say: “…the police told me to…” / “he/she knew that I…” / “he/she offered…”
21. Do bring full police reports; she isn’t warm to incident reports.
22. Don’t bring letters from a doctor. Medical reports must be official.
23. Don’t lie about having car insurance; she can confirm proof of insurance.
24. Don’t say what you think, feel, or realized.
25. Don’t speak to her from a sitting position.

Fans/Critics could probably list many others, but this is just a fun primer.

Other Observations

• When it comes to evidence, she doesn’t care about what you “started to” ask for (police report, bank statement, etc.).
• She rarely awards lost wages. But if you can show a direct impact relation between an injury suffered within the parameters of the case and performance of your duties, she might entertain it. Might.
• Because judges are people, too, it’s also important to note that she can be inconsistent with her rulings occasionally. For example, usually, if the plaintiff struck the defendant first, she doesn’t rule in their favor, but she has abandoned that principle and may adopt something related to the extent of the defendant’s reaction/response (i.e. striking back)—if the response exceeded reasonableness or something.
• JJ readily admits she isn’t good at math, but don’t rely on that. She’ll remind you she’s a highly educated, smart woman. She isn’t beyond crosschecking numbers with a calculator, so…
• Phrases you’ll likely hear: “Not ‘basically’!”; “Just a second.”; “Don’t try to talk over me.”; “Don’t tell me what he/she knew; that calls for the operation of his/her mind.”; “I don’t care how you feel.”
• Also, she’s not warm to the whole, “I consider them my children, too” line if you aren’t the biological parent (you’d think she would, since she’s a stepparent, but oh well). This may be tied to cases and legalities involving child-support issues and establishing parental responsibility.

And there you have it. Whether planning to submit your case to her show (if renewed) or filing a small claim in general, these tips may help “tip” court behavior points your way. Oh, and for future reference, document everything—just assume you’ll be going to small-claims court over it.

Did I mention, character Oscar Brooks in Broken Benevolence? Lots of syndicated TV, that one.

April is Stress Awareness Month. See you in May.

Until then, stay serif, be well/safe, and read on (a legal thriller perhaps).

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